retail lockies: funniest thing said by customers?

[maxxx]

Telephone Customer: Do you do house calls?

Yes, are you locked out?

No, Im locked up. Handcuffs, both bracelets on one wrist.

I dont do handcuffs, dont you have the key?

Yes, but the little holes that the key goes in are facing each other and there is only about a pencil thickness of space between the cuffs. No way to get the key in the little hole.

How did that happen?

I was watching "Cops" and was practicing slapping the cuffs on real fast. I held out my left wrist and slapped each cuff on with my right hand. Everything was cool untill I made the keyholes face each other. They are on really tight and my hand is hurting. I dont have a saw and I dont want to go buy one. How much will you charge?

House call and one lock would be $75.

I will give you a hundred.

Cash?

Yeah, I have it.

I took his cuff key, cut it in two with a hacksaw in my van, grabbed a pair of needle nose vise grips to hold the working half of the key, and click he was free.

I still have the key half. But I doubt I will ever get another call like that one.

[djslacker]

Yes, but the little holes that the key goes in are facing each other and there is only about a pencil thickness of space between the cuffs. No way to get the key in the little hole.

I've done that. I was showing my wife that handcuffs looked cool as a bracelet and, like a dumass, I slapped them on and THEN looked where I had the holes at. I just took out a heavy-duty paperclip and my multi-tool and went to work and within 5 minutes I was free.

[unlisted]

Went to a 2003 BMW trunk opening job once. When I got there the customer told me I had to give him a huge discount cos he already did half job for me. I asked him what he did and he said he used his keys for his Acura and a small offset needle nose plier and managed to pick the lock open. I took a look and all he did was twist the face cap on the trunk lock.

I would have charged double.

Bah, I would of told him it was damaged beyond repair and drilled the sucker out..

And than still charge him for the lockout call, on top of the lock replacement, etc..

[fsdhy]

Our shop shares the first part of our name with a tree cutting & backhoe service company. We are right under them in the phone listing. We frequently get calls from their customers. A few months ago, the apprentice answered the phone as usual....

"xxxx's Key Shop."
"Son, I need a quote on having a stump removed from my backyard. I'll be here from xxxx to xxxx today. Can someone come by?"
"Uh, sir, this is xxxx's KEY SHOP... you're looking for xxxx TREE SERVICE"
"Yeah, xxxx TREE shop"
"No, sir... this is..."
"Are you f*cking with my head, kid? You just answered as xxxx's TREE shop."
"Sir, I said xxxx KEY shop"
"B*llshit, I know what I dialed and I know what you said..."

Customer gets more and more angry. This is how it ends.

"I'm coming down there, right now. And I'm gonna start smashing things if I don't get to talk to your boss. I want my stump removed for FREE because you're f*cking with my head!"

The funny part is that by the end of the conversation, he must have been looking at the right line in the phone book, because he told my apprentice he would "see him in a minute" and then told him the address for the tree service.

We laughed for HOURS... Picturing some angry old man busting into xxxx's TREE SERVICE and cracking skulls all because he dialed the wrong number and got confused.

[unlisted]

Our shop shares...

We laughed for HOURS... Picturing some angry old man busting into xxxx's TREE SERVICE and cracking skulls all because he dialed the wrong number and got confused.

Now, my french is rusty, but I believe this is the best reply.. Merde sourde-muette.

Now, lets see if there is any swear filter for foreign languages at all...

[lutonlocksmith]

Our shop shares the first part of our name with a tree cutting & backhoe service company. We are right under them in the phone listing. We frequently get calls from their customers. A few months ago, the apprentice answered the phone as usual....

"xxxx's Key Shop."
"Son, I need a quote on having a stump removed from my backyard. I'll be here from xxxx to xxxx today. Can someone come by?"
"Uh, sir, this is xxxx's KEY SHOP... you're looking for xxxx TREE SERVICE"
"Yeah, xxxx TREE shop"
"No, sir... this is..."
"Are you f*cking with my head, kid? You just answered as xxxx's TREE shop."
"Sir, I said xxxx KEY shop"
"B*llshit, I know what I dialed and I know what you said..."

Customer gets more and more angry. This is how it ends.

"I'm coming down there, right now. And I'm gonna start smashing things if I don't get to talk to your boss. I want my stump removed for FREE because you're f*cking with my head!"

The funny part is that by the end of the conversation, he must have been looking at the right line in the phone book, because he told my apprentice he would "see him in a minute" and then told him the address for the tree service.

We laughed for HOURS... Picturing some angry old man busting into xxxx's TREE SERVICE and cracking skulls all because he dialed the wrong number and got confused.

so it was you who sent him to my tree shop ill be round in 5

[alarmsun]

I love watching a client lock himself outside in the pouring rain to test each and every key for the lock I have just rekeyed. He then goes and soes it at each and every door... Outside, in the rain...

<sigh>

TODB

[ulliv]

A while back when I was still an apprentice, I had a security-guard who broght his handcuffs for repair. After a couple of hours I phoned him back to let him know he could pick them up but I misdialed and a woman answered.
Me:"I'm calling from xxx's lock shop. The handcuffs are ready for pickup."
Woman:"What? I don't know nothing about no handcuffs..."
Me, assuming quite innocently that his wife had answered, said:"Well your husband must have brought them in... anyway they're ready. tell him to come pick them up. Thanks! Bye!" and I hung up.
A few minutes later we realised that I had misdialed and we just cracked up!
So basically the woman could have been thinking: What is my husband doing with handcuffs? What sort of kinky stuff is he into? Why don't I know anything about this?
So after laughing at the fact for half an hour that some poor bloke is probably catching a beating at home from his wife somewhere we called back (not me because I was to embarrassed) and explained the mistake. Fortunetley the woman was a reasonable person and understood the honest mistake, had a laugh and it ended there.

PS. The security guard got his cuffs back and I even got a kudos for fixing them. (Don't ask I honestly don't remember what was wrong with them.)

[Archive555]

A while back when I was still an apprentice, I had a security-guard who broght his handcuffs for repair. After a couple of hours I phoned him back to let him know he could pick them up but I misdialed and a woman answered.
Me:"I'm calling from xxx's lock shop. The handcuffs are ready for pickup."
Woman:"What? I don't know nothing about no handcuffs..."
Me, assuming quite innocently that his wife had answered, said:"Well your husband must have brought them in... anyway they're ready. tell him to come pick them up. Thanks! Bye!" and I hung up.
A few minutes later we realised that I had misdialed and we just cracked up!
So basically the woman could have been thinking: What is my husband doing with handcuffs? What sort of kinky stuff is he into? Why don't I know anything about this?
So after laughing at the fact for half an hour that some poor bloke is probably catching a beating at home from his wife somewhere we called back (not me because I was to embarrassed) and explained the mistake. Fortunetley the woman was a reasonable person and understood the honest mistake, had a laugh and it ended there.

PS. The security guard got his cuffs back and I even got a kudos for fixing them. (Don't ask I honestly don't remember what was wrong with them.)

I'd hate to think what would have happened if you hadn't called back...

[ulliv]

Well that was why we called back to make sure the couple didn't get a divorce of something.

[ToolyMcgee]

I go into Lowe's a few weeks back, approach the key counter and ask the older fella working it to get me 2SC1's and 2Y1's. He reached right what I asked for, I was relieved. So he just looks at me for a min before he asks for the keys I need copied. I say, "I don't need copies, just the blanks, please." He gets a scowl on his face, and says. "I can't sell you the blanks."
"Why?"
"If I sell you the keys like this, what's to stop you from openin' up any door you want? I need this job!!"
Not exactly a locksmith story, but a new one to me.

[ulliv]

I go into Lowe's a few weeks back, approach the key counter and ask the older fella working it to get me 2SC1's and 2Y1's. He reached right what I asked for, I was relieved. So he just looks at me for a min before he asks for the keys I need copied. I say, "I don't need copies, just the blanks, please." He gets a scowl on his face, and says. "I can't sell you the blanks."
"Why?"
"If I sell you the keys like this, what's to stop you from openin' up any door you want? I need this job!!"
Not exactly a locksmith story, but a new one to me.

I get tons of guys like you (mine are mostly older, half dead diy'ers) asking how much a key costs. I get the blank for it and say a price. He then almost gets a heart attack and wants to know how much just for the blank? He'll make the teeth himself with a file, he says.
Being the mean person that I am I usually take like 40% off the price and sell it to them. A day later the guy comes back with one totally ruined blank and I make a key for him in like 5 to 10 seconds.

[ToolyMcgee]

I was just sharing some slightly off topic humour. Some shmuck who has run a key machine long enough to recognize standard keyways, but has no idea how a key works. The difference between the old man in your story and me is I'll come back for more key blanks if you sell them to me for a reasonable price, with keys that work great. It takes me a little longer than 5 seconds, but I've got half a brain, just no key machine to man.

[ulliv]

Sorry I didn't mean that as you. No offence intended. I was talkin' about a geezer who wants to save a dime and ends up paying double for his on ignorance and not listening to me. Thats sort of funny right?
Lets keep the subject light!

[ToolyMcgee]

Sorry, some college kid called me grandpa last week and I guess it really got to me. Yes, any time some shlub wrecks his own do it yourself project it cracks me up.